Warning: The following post contains graphic depictions of heavy 'emo-ing'. Readers who have a dislike for 'emo-ers' may choose to switch their current website. Not for the faint of hearted. Viewer discretion is advised.

Rated: M18

I told myself that i wouldn't cry again. I broke that promise today.

Some Halloween this turned out to be.

Performed 3 songs for Monthly Performance today. The other 2 instrumentals? Managed to convince Larry that i need more practicing. I guess, that was the only good thing that happened today.

Last minute practices went well in the clubhouse. Skipped ETE tutorial just to be there. Later on in LT73, i went through the song order and discovered the first of a serious of events which would send me spiraling down into the dark void.. again. Going through the order of the songs to be performed, i found that my song was the 8th one.. and the 9th.. and the 10th. Perfect no? The 3 songs belonged to the same genre, so playing style being the same would be inevitable. It wasn't bad enough that i would play the same type of beat for the 3 songs tonight, so now i was to play them one after another. Great! Now there would absolutely be ZERO chances that i won't be noticed playing the same thing over and over and over. Cheers! =D

When it got down to playing, it went ok.. until the last song, which was written by weibin, keyboard played by angeline and sung by chien wen. I simply don't know what came over me. After the 1st chorus, what i was playing was different from what we praticed before. AND, instead of stopping at a certain point in the middle of the 2nd chorus, i went on with a ridiculously long fill-in that spanned for, i don't know, 1 bar? Seriously, WHAT WAS I THINKING? No clue. Not. At. All.

I felt so terrible after the playing the 3 songs. I had to go to the toilet to wash up after my last song. What is wrong with me? I just don't understand why i can never do things right. People entrusts me with the role of playing the drums for their songs, and what do i do? Screw their songs up all over. Nice going.

Weibin told me that he liked how the song was performed, angeline said it was okay that i had forgotten about the last part 'cause my timing was still there. I don't know what to think. I didn't agree with weibin that his song was done well, and so what if i had kept the timing? The long fill-in probably killed the song 'cause it didn't feel right to me. Wait, that can't be right.. 'cause.. i don't know how to feel the mood of the songs anyway. Everytime i hear a song, i don't know what is the correct way to play it. I have to depend on Mandy to translate the songs feel for me.

After SCC was over and done with, everyone who wasn't part of ending the day was waiting at the area just outside the toilets as usual. I noticed tht she was sitting all alone at the other side. I was about to walked over when i stopped myself. I remember the promise that i made to her. We were to go on as normal friends, and that i wouldn't make any moves that might make her feel i'm trying to get close to her again.

I was so torn up inside. I know very well that if she was still unaware of my feelings for her, i could walk over without a doubt and talked to her, accompanied her so she wouldn't be alone, because that's what friends do. But the reality is she does know my feelings for her. I was so afraid that if i did go over, she might misinterpret as me trying to get her to like me. No one would understand how i felt at that very point. One side of me wanted to get over to her side, to make her smile, laugh, and be happy. The other side was pulling me away, telling me to back off, to prevent the possibility of us not being friends at all, and that side won.

If i could, i would exchange a lifetime of my happiness for a moment of her sadness, but i can't. Why?
The distance between us, is just too great.. The more i want to help, the more i find myself stepping back.

Have you ever had this strong desire to give happiness to that special someone, but found out that you can never do a thing about it? Ever wondered how that would feel?

Don't even go there, you wouldn't want to know that feeling eating you from the insides.

I don't know how i kept smiling in front of everyone. I just did it, but it was getting harder with every passing minute. I know i had to leave soon, before i give in to myself. So i went to take-away a cup of iced milo and said my goodbyes to everyone when they had just started to get settled in their sits. I quickly left KAP and boarded the bus, homeward bound. All of a sudden, i just thought about the comments which some people had written down in the song's score sheet. How can i not? They had been stuck in my head ever since i read them while everyone was heading to KAP earlier on. Most of the comments were left blank. When i finally did find the comments for the songs i performed for, i wished i never did.

Some of the comments went like, "drums and keyboard were playing their own thing", "play the drums, don't tickle them", and of course, the best comment," drums were played wrongly (for the song)". So yeah.. those comments confirmed what was nagging me from the time i performed finished the 3 songs.

It really got me thinking. Should i have ever picked my learning the drums at all? The decision i made nearly a year ago, was it the right move? The worst drummer i have ever met faces me everytime i stand in frobt of a mirror. Look at where it's got me so far. I still can't feel a song and how i should go about playing it. Songs which i massacred, be it rehearsing or performing. The negative comments i've recieved ever since i started. With so much duds, how can i go on drumming? How indeed..

I wish that i can stop performing for awhile, but i know i have at least 2 more performances to go, which is for Larry. From the looks of things, i won't have to worry about people approaching me to play for their songs 'cause they pretty much havce seen how i can kill their song from the Monthly Performance. And to think i told Mandy that i'm probably better off playing the pop-rock or rock genre. It doesn't matter anymore. Whatever i play, it's gonna be terrible. Period.

With so much weighing on my mind, and also the contributing factor of the songs which i have carefully chosen to listen to, it's no wonder that i cracked. It feels so silly, to cry on the bus alone, but i can't help it, can i? I just feel so useless. I have no role anywhere. Be it in SCC, in school, at home, or even my existence on planet Earth.

I don't compose lyrics nor melody. I can't sing to save my life. I get bad grades. I'm a social outcast. I don't help in the family business. I'm a lost cause at relationships. Never even had a handful of true friends.

The very passion of my life, which is to drum, is something that i will never be good at.

Nothing to live for. Nothing to die for.

What becomes of me now?

-End of 'emo'-

Absence of 4 days, back to rant again

Thursday? Nothing significant happened.

Friday? Definitely.

Ever been at the right place at the wrong time? I sure was on Friday. Same routine of going down to clubhouse to slack or jam. Gary was there rehearsing a song with cynthia, but it sounded different from the one i heard the other day, so i assumed he was performing to songs for the upcoming Monthly Performance. They were reheasing halfway when out of nowhere, cynthia goes,

"Hey gary, i think can add drums to the song."

In which gary replied," Drums? But where got drummer?"

Cynthia promptly pointed at me, "There!"

I was like..uh hello? I'm just quietly playing the bass to myself, and i got pulled in to do a song without warning. Asking me to play the drums 4 days before the actual performance is like.. what the..? I was already doing huihui and angeline/chien wen's song for MP. I guess a 3rd song wouldn't kill. They were the same type of song genre too, with around the same feel, so shouldn't be too difficult on me. I wasnted Zhiwei to play for gary instead.

Firstly, he would have a chance to practice more styles on the drums.
Secondly, he will have more exposure as a drummer by performing in MP.

At first, he had agreed to play for gary. When i told him the double bass would provide a better feel for gary's song, he tried to practice double bassing but had little luck. Eventually he threw the song back to me. I was fine with that, even though i hoped that Zhiwei would play for gary instead. He needs to build his confidence level when playing the drums.

After awhile, Larry dropped by the clubhouse, came to me and asked," Can you play the 6/8 timing on the drums?"

I was like.. not exactly my forte, but i could try. He told me that his playing 2 instrumental pieces for the upcoming MP, and one of them has the 6/8 time signiture for the beginning, AND he wants me to play the drums for both.

By then, it was seriously what the fuckalready.

I'm performing for huihui's song.
I'm performing for Angeline's song (yet to be practiced).
I'm performing for Gary's song (again, yet to be practiced).
And now, Larry drops me with 2 of his instrumentals.

(3 songs+2 instrumentals)/ 1 night

You do the math.


Dudes. I don't mind playing the drums for your songs. But could you please have the decency to, at the very least, ask me at least 1, best if 2, weeks before the Monthly Performance? I'm flattered that you would come to me, asking me to play drums for your song. I would be more then happy to do so. But please, do inform me days in advance to we can allocate enough time to do reheasals. I'm not as godly as Edmund, Shannon or Mandy where they can here the melody once and play together the second time, or better still, play the beat while listening to the song for the 1st time. I don't play very well unless i have tons of practice. And i can screw up even on stage too.

From my point of view, 5 songs = 5 times the chances of screwing up.

sighs.

Perhaps my 'drop-by-at-clubhouse' routine needs reconsideration..

Saturday? Boring.

Stayed at home. Played Nintendo DS all day.

Pokemon Blue Mystery Dungeon achieved Lucario rank, Charizard attained max IQ. Recruited Zapdos, Moltres, Articuno (3rd try..), Lugia, Ho-oh and Deoxys(4th, 5th?) n_n

Sunday? Boring½

Though i did finally get a fan for my room. It's standing, and best of all.. it comes with a REMOTE! 屋阿哈 哈哈哈 哈哈哈~~

Monday? That's today, but the day ain't over yet. Currently i'm holed up in my school library listening to Larry's instrumental piece repeat, hoping it will stick to my head so that i can practice better with him later.

Earlier this morning, i went to find one of my module leaders to ask about my ETE module. For that particuler module, i had to swop over with the next class, 2P02. The lectures and tutorials were no problem 'cause P1 and P2 were in the same class anyway, so there was no noticable difference. However, it was hard not to notice the difference in the lab schedule. P1 had their ETE lab session on ODD weeks. P2, which was the class i was stuck in, had their lab on the EVEN weeks. Pffft. When i ask richard, the module leader, why, he said it was possible that me failing of one of my modules last semester (psst psst.. PFA) caused this to happened. I was like.. uh.. ok.. Nothing for me to say anyway. So now i have to attend lab with the P2s. It's sure gonna be an experience and a half. Gonna be damn awkward for me.

Time Check: 12.51 p.m.

Next class is EM3B, at 1 p.m.. That probably means i have to scoot. Lesson is way over at Block 50. Sheesh. They should really implement the school bus service like NUS does. Even though NP is not overly huge like NUS, they should really spare a thought for lazy ass-es like me. Go figure. =/

Rant more tonight.

Today's SCC activity was to compose an English upbeat song. It was supposed to be over and done with 3 weeks ago, but 3 weeks ago, there were enough people to fill just 1 row of sits in the lecture hall. No surprised that it wasn't carried out then, so it was brought forward to this week. My group came up with some good lyrics, but as usual i pretty much killed their song. To make matters worse, I was the only instrumentalist in that group. There was no guitarist nor keyboardist. There was a bassist, but he felt that he couldn't do the song. Perfect huh.. So yeah.. all i know is that i played like rubbish for my group's song. Definitely my worst performance ever.. don't see how i can live it down.

After the activity, i carried the floor tom back up to the clubhouse. There, Chien Wen said she wanted to practice more on the drums, so she sort of 'booked' me on Friday at 3 p.m. after looking at my timetable. Huiyi, who also had been studying my timetable, suddenly said she could make it tomorrow at 4 p.m...

I was like.."Uh.. you want to learn drums uh?"

I think she went "ya."

=/ Okay.. suddenly there is another person who wants to learn drums from me. It's not like i'm a very skilled drummer. I don't think that at all. There is really a long long way for me to go, but i don't mind teaching what little i know, as long as whoever i'm teaching doesn't mind that i won't be able to teach much.

The fact that you willingly spoke to me again lets me know that we can still be friends, but..

Should i be happy that we're still friends?
Or should i be sad, 'cause that's all we'll ever be..

"We learn new things everyday."

That's like amazingly true.. haha. Decided to try the "drop-by-the-clubhouse" routine today. Well, i was supposed to go there anyway to practice Huihui's song for the upcoming Monthly Performance. The thing is that practice starts at 4 p.m., and my French class ends at 12 p.m.. Bummer..

Well, it did gave me time to practice 'Moonlight Sonata' on the keyboard. Don't misunderstand, I do not fully know how to read a musical score, especially a classical one like that. I just asked my friends to read it for me and i would write down the keys to press on a notebook. This makes playing easier for me. Kinda cheating if you asked me.. haha. Anyways, i could play the beginning part of the song pretty smooth now without pausing too much to find the next chords to play. Now i need to wait until the i get the chance to translate the next part of the piece.

Oh, about the "learning new stuffs everyday" thingy, thats wasn't it. This is it. Gary was practicing his song after Huihui was done with hers. I have no idea why, but i had asked Steve, the person re-arranging Gary's song melody, for the new chords to Gary's song (which, i had to manually find the right chords 'cause Steve was playing the song after he transposed the keys done by 2). After that, for the second time of not knowing why, i picked up the bass and played the chords. Of course, it wasn't that smooth as i wasn't sure how to change from chord to chord, and i had to stop every now and then to ask Maxwell where to press what for the chord, but i did managed to get the hang of it. Hopefully i'll get better along the way.. lolzers

Bassist wannabe.. (x

Went to the clubhouse today for no apparent reason, just wanted some place to slack around. Greggory was there with Xiaoqiang practicing Ziyin's song. Since the drumset was still on loan to the Concert Band, i played the drum on the keyboard instead, just for kicks.

Sean came by a little later with his friend. He took the bass, his friend picked up the guitar and we just jammed with me on the "drums".. it was fun jamming with Sean. His musical level, if there ever was such a thing, is like.. godlike.. He's a bassist by nature, but he can also play the guitar and drums. I'm not surprised if he could play the keyboard too given time. He's like, the Jack of all trades, and master of all. That's totally insane.. lolzers..

In the midst of jamming, i learned a new beat befitting the rock genre for the drums. Just gotta practice it when the actual drumset returns.. It was cool that i got to jam with Sean. It's not everyday that happens. Usually the people jamming with him are other more experienced instrumentalists like Shannon on the drums and Edmund with the bass. To think he's the same age as me.. mind boggling i tell you..

Looks like it was a decision well made to drop by at the clubhouse. Maybe i should do it more often..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjA5faZF1A8

Absolutely cool video. A must watch if you're a guitarist, guitarist aspirant, someone who's into classicals, or just anyone else not fitting those catagories. Just GO watch!

Canon in D? Try Canon in ROCK!!

Only 2 modules today.. CADD 2 and EM3B tutorial. You know, when i looked through my timetable, i thought that.. it looked pretty.. what's the word.. slackish? It's like, i have only 5 modules, and 2 of them is non-examinable. Maybe it's because i don't have a module that depends heavily on project based assessment, namely EUCD. Well, didn't have that 'cos i failed PFA last semaster remember? As for all things in life, there are definately plus and minuses..

CADD 2 was scary. I realised that i threw everything i learned back in CADD 1 back to Mr Phillip. I have like forgotten how to use ProE. I've even forgotten how to extrude a rectangular box.. and to think i got an A for CADD 1. Looks like i have to practise more here..

EM3B? True.. it might only be a tutorial, but it was still bad. Couldn't start doing those integrals until i checked with Alan. As if not doing fantastically well for EG2 wasn't bad enough, EM3B practically revolves around EG2. Damn. I hate engineering maths. I love maths. I just hate engineering maths. Did you know that engineering maths is expanding from secondary level's A maths? Whoop-dee-doo.

Went to the clubhouse after my tutorial. Jayson finally got back the drumset from the Concert Band! Got to jam a little with Zhiwei. Feels good to play the drums again. Obviously i suffered from post-drums withdrawal symptoms. Played this funky beat, extracting from Kaiser Ruby's 'Ruby', with double bass ending each 4/4 bar. I could bass it, just not consistent with the timing. Double bass gets me everytime.. Zhiwei managed to get the feel of the beat with the guitar. It wasn't there, but it was very close. I think he is my only jamming bud.. no one else jams with me.. probably 'cause i suck too much.. lolzers..

Shopping list of the week!
1. Nice, warm jacket (preferbly those woolly kinds with a hood and pockets in front).
2. Pencil case!
3. New pair of drum sticks.
4. Drum sticks carrier bag?
5. Drumming practice pad (damn it costs like $40 bucks).
6. Sling bag!
7. New shirt?

Gonna meet up with Henghui and clear a few items this Saturday. Maybe i'll hit Plaza Singapura, my usual haunt. Or maybe i'll go to Bugis instead. Or maybe i'll just go both places.

what happens when the place you thought could make you happy has a reason for you to be sad as well..? Where else can you go then?

Just seeing her makes me drained emotionally..

Bonjour!

Je m'appelle Raymond!

That's French for "Hello/Hi! I'm Raymond!" Yea i know, Raymond is obviously not my name. My French lecturer, professeur Angelo, told my class that we had to have a French name. Some of the people's names in my class already had French origins, so they could keep it. For the rest of us, me included of course as my name is so from England, we had to choose from a list of names he wrote on the board. There were some fancy names like Xavier and Isidore, but i didn't dared choose them. Wished i had now though, they certainly sound cooler then Raymond. Oh well, let's just leave things as it is.

I was late for my class this morning though. My lesson starts at 8.00 in the morning. Somehow, i have no idea why, i set my alarm to go off at 7.30 a.m., which was like "huh..?" So i had to rush around preparing my stuffs and get a cab to school. In the end, i was late for 30 minutes. You won't believe what he told me, even i couldn't believe it at first. As i was late for 30 minutes, i had to do 30 push-ups.. like right in front of the class. I was hoping he was joking 'cause the most i can do in one shot was 20. Unfortunately, he was dead serious, so down to the floor i went. He did, however, stop me at 15, saving me from the struggle to do the full 30 push-ups.

For the remaining day, the lesson went on well. Loads of laughs from the class too. From the looks of things, i might find this module to be quite an experience. I hardly noticed the 4 hours fly by too.

After class had ended at 12 a.m., didn't really had anywhere to go. It was still early, so there probably won't be anyone who had unlocked the clubhouse door. No arcading mood. No particular interest to go anywhere, so i just decided to go home and maybe catch a few Zs.

Oh yea.. One Piece episode 326 came out today! Though it just marked the start of a new Arc, it was still a pretty good episode. As always, can't wait for the next episode to be released, though the feeling is kind of, sort of wierd. 'Cause all these time i have been watching One Piece like, in a continuous flow, without having to wait for a week for the next episode. Now, after i have caught up to the anime current episode, i have to wait for the next one to be released instead of just clicking "Next". Waiting time totally kills. At least i can watch other animes instead, like Gundam Seed maybe..?

In school now.. and blogging.. so.. yeah. mood lighten up a little.. for the better..? i don't think my sense of better shares the same sentiment as yours.. so yeah..

Anyways, i just found out that liyana is in my French class tomorrow. That was the last person i'd expect to see in my French class.. or rather.. that was the last person i'd expect to take up French.

Currently, i'm having my lunch now at the atrium. Nothing fancy, just some packed noodles from the Canteen 1 drink stall. Guess i don't really have the appetite to look for food. Eating alone 'cause i don't really feel like mixing around with my class. I was never close to them in the first place, and now, i'm also not able to sit one of the modules with them as i failed another module in my last semester. I also didn't talk to any classmates at all before and during the lesson. I had came in a little early before the classroom door was locked, so i had to wait outside. The guys from my class came shortly soon after. One of them commented whether i was trying to be like Iori Yagami due to my pose and my hairstyle. I was like.. 'huh..?' 'cos i was just leaning against the pillar, and my fringed was waxed over to sort of cover my right eye. Well.. at least i managed to clear the "Get a new outer appearance".

I still can't get over the fact about her impression on me. It's really eating me up.. but i guess there's really nothing i can do. If she hates me then.. she just hates me. I won't really do anything to change her opinion on me. That's her decision, not mine. If i remain on her hate list then.. sucks to be me i guess.. it's not as if my life can get any worse then it already is..

some things are just not meant to be..

5:50 AM

i never knew that i could leave such a negative impression on people..so this was what you thought of me? if so, i really have no idea what to say. when you cried, i was there for you. when you thought your friends were taken from you, i told you i was still there. when you had any problems, i would listen to them if you told me, and shared my thoughts with you. but.. i never thought that you would feel this way about me.

my concern for you was genuine, but you couldn't care less, could you?

to you, i'm just a detestable kid. someone not worth mentioning, not worth the care. perhaps even someone who's very existence doesn't concern you. you probably won't know the tears i've shed. ignorance is indeed bliss.

did you really mean it when you implied we could still be friends? doubt it..

please excuse me then, i'll stay out of your way for your pleasure. i'll try my best not to be a burden to you. if you see me less, you'll probably forget me faster. that should help you feel better.

i'm sorry for what i've said and done.
i'm sorry for being friends with you.
i'm sorry for wanting to know you better.
i'm sorry for trying to help.
i'm sorry for ever liking you in the first place.

don't forgive me. it will just make me feel worse.


i thought i was ok.. now i know im far from it. i wished i never came to be.

Missed out on blogging yesterday evening. That's because i spent my whole saturday finding another suitable skin for my blog. Thought it was time for a change since i've started blogging again. My blog's skin is not the only thing i've changed. My background midi was also giving problems at times. When it was happy, it would automatically play when one enters my blog. When it doesn't feel like it, it won't start at all. Period. End up i had to remove it and change to my imeem playlist. Pity though, 'cos i preferred to play midis instead of the songs' full version in my blog. Also, 千年之恋's midi quite fitted my blog, but i don't think the actual song would be appropriate for my blog. It took me quite some time for me to get my playlist to work proper in my blog. Sometime's it would have the same problem of not playing too. But i found a solution by chance. When i went to another person's blog who also uses the imeem player (which, coincidentally was not auto-playing), i played his imeem player and went back to my blog again. Presto! The playlist would start playing. Hopefully it's my laptop screwing up instead of the codes. I wouldn't want you readers to trouble yourself too much to the extent of not being able to enjoy my blog. So.. yea.

Anyways, by the time i was done with my blog, it was already late at night (or early in the morning, depending how you look at it). Needless to say i plopped myself on thy bed and fell asleep. Can say that i'm pretty satisfied with how my blog is right now. Though it's missing a few blog knick-knacks which other bloggers would decorate their blogs with, it's still looks good to me, and that's what counts. I think.

Went to Chinatown today. Had the intention of going to CK for some snack shopping, but it slipped my mind. There goes my late night cookie munchies.. Oh yeah! I saw this cool sign pasted on the wall on this chinese snack store. It went,

说了又不听
听了又不懂
不懂又不问
问了又不做
做了又做错
做错又不认
认了又不服
不服有不说

Sugoiii (That's Japanese for cool)!!! It was so cool that i had to memorise it and use it as my MSN nick.

Dinner was at a coffeeshop near my house where they sold those 煮炒 stuffs. Met up with my mother there, who just returned form Thailand earlier that day. Was surprised that she would buy me a pink, yes pink, Polo T-shirt. I kind of expected her to buy some shirt for her. I sure didn't see pink coming. It's not that i don't wear pink and all. pink is fine. In fact i have another pink Polo T-shirt in my closet. I just don't get why my mother would buy pink for me. pinksified.

Went for the toilet straight when i went home. Held my tide for quite some time. When i came entered my room and started using my laptop, i suddenly had this desire to get my friend to blog again. Don't know why. This weird feeling just came over me. Funny. Anyway, he didn't put much of a fight. he just did whatever i said as i guided him to raise his blog from the grave (a literal pun once you visit his blog). Wished he would resist more though. Even though it probably wouldn't stop me from convincing him, at least i'd have more fun in the process. Visit his blog! He's a really funny guy, that's why he's my bestie. LOL. yeah.. anyway his registered under 'Heng Hui' in my link section. So.. yeah.. Haha

Been doing a lot of thinking lately, about the things i do. Take for instance the recent chalet i organised for some SCC people. Why do i do things for others? I didn't even thought about that before, until someone asked me that question on the first night of the chalet. So.. why do i do things for others? For the rest of that night, i was faced with that question, a question in which i have no answer. Something did came to my mind though, and that was to let members of SCC to get together and know each other better. You know, build up rapport with each other, even between seniors and juniors. A so-called 'bonding session'. But, i can't help but feel that it might only be a cover. Perhaps there is a deeper reason behind my actions. Or maybe i'm just thinking too much into it.

It's not just this chalet. Sometimes, when i see people alone, or upset, i will definately try to help in any way possible to make him/her feel better. If i know that someone has a problem, i will naturally talk to that person and help with some solutions if possible. If nothing comes to mind, then i'll just sit down there and listen. Few people know it but simply saying out your problems, worries and fears makes one feel better. All you need is a good listening ear. I don't choose to do it or not. I just.. do.

But now, i believe i may have the answer. The reason i always do what i can to make people feel better, to lift them from their sadness, to make them feel they are not alone, is because.. because i know exactly how it feels, and i do not wish for anyone to experience them. I know how it feels to be sad, to be hurt, to be lost, in despair, to be all alone.. It is a terrible feeling for anyone to have, and that's why i do what i do. That's what i feel anyway.

When i came to that realisation, another question came to mind.

As i try my best to help people, who will help me?

Who will make my day when i'm blue?
Who will lift the weight off my shoulders?
Who will make me feel that i'm not alone after all?

This time.. i have no answer..

It's like 4 in the morning and i'm still awake. What's up with these sleeplessness.. I have to resolve my insomnia soon, schools starts in like 2 more days and i'll have big trouble if i don't reset my body alarm by then.

I'm feeling a little hungry too.. =/

Unbelievable. If i didn't know any better, i would have thought i was hooked onto blogging. All day, i couldn't wait till it was after 10 p.m. to start blogging. I must really have not enough to do.

Did nothing much today. Woke up late again. MSNed with a few friends. Made late lunch (instant noodles). Watched anime as i ate. Continued watching anime through dinner. Blah blah blah blah blah, the usual boredoms.

Well, i did download 2 new games for my NDS lite. 'Spiderman - Friend or Foe' and 'One Piece - Gearspirit'. Spiderman was an okay/average game, but One Piece was another thing. Even though it was in Japanese, the gameplay was pretty straight forward, easy enough for me to get through the game. One Piece was exactly the type of game i was looking for. Besides the fact that it's like my favourite anime, it's also an action fighting game. Just like those video games you see more commonly on consoles such as the Playstations, XBoxes and even PSP. I feel that it's harder to search for these type of games for the NDS console as this particular hand-held console focuses their target group mainly of young children to young teens. Take a look at some of the games released for the NDS.

1. Pokemon 4th Gen Series
2. Pet simulation games
3. Puzzle Bubble
4. Spongebob Squarepants
5. Not to mention the many movie-to-game remakes

Besides, the NDS also has a stylus pen that can be used on the bottom touch screen, and overall, the appearance is pretty kiddy too.

So.. yeah. That's pretty much my impression of the NDS console. Why did i get it then? Well, i guess there really is a kid in everyone..?

2 days of isolation has passed, and i do feel a little better, just a little. As usual, i have to keep myself occupied constantly so as not to allow my mind to 胡思乱想. Perhaps i don't really have to find someone to talk to afterall. Maybe if i have enough time on my own, i'll be fine after all.

The question is.. for how long..?

I can't believe its been more then 10 months since i last blogged. I guess laziness got the better of me. Its just that i thought there were better stuffs for me to do instead of blogging, such as watching videos or playing games. Also, i had thought that there was no point in keeping an online diary when it was readily accessible to the general public. Maybe i don't have to worry about that now, since, as stated, the last post was dated back in October 2006, there won't be any reason for past readers to read what i blog. Besides, there is nothing else for me to do.. except to blog.

Not surprisingly, a lot has happened for the past 10 months. Too much to remember in exact order, but in a rough chronological order:

Formed a band
Fell into depression
SCC Annual Concert IV
Fell into depression
Band disbanded
Fell into depression
Organised SCC Chalet I
Fell into depression
Started new semester, immediately assumed role of class outcast
Fell into depression
Registered for GCE 'O level paper, Additional Mathematics
Fell into depression
Being increasingly inactive for NCC activities, for both HQ and School
Fell into depression
Entertained thoughts of relinquishing my passion for drums
Fell into depression
Got new handphone, Sony Ericsson W580i
Fell into depression
Almost lost best friend
Fell into depression
Failed a core module, resulting in me having to repeat a year in Ngee Ann
Fell into depression
SCC Camp 2007
Fell into depression
Performed not up to expectations for Wei Ming's song for a Monthly Performance in the midst of Wei Ming, Maxwell and Edmund, with freshies, seniors and past alumnis abound.
Fell into depression
Asked to perform for a group of freshies
Fell into depression
Organised SCC Chalet II
Made a decision and took a chance
For the first time in years, i once again tasted my tears
Fell into depression

That's pretty much the summary. I know, i might have gotten too overboard with the whole 'Fell into depression' thing, it's like.. on and off. Of course, there were probably other stuffs that did happen unmentioned along the way (besides the depression thing), but there's too much to remember. Some life i'm living. Many people refer to me as an 'emo kid', i couldn't feel they were more wrong. It's not like i want to die or anything, it's just that my life has so many downs that it's getting really hard to live through it. Did you actually believe that all those times you guys saw me smiling and laughing, that it was for real? I just don't want you people to know about what i face through my life. That would be selfish of me. Everyone has their own problems already, why must i be so special as to share mine to others and expect them to handle it for me? No.. that would be wrong.

Sometimes i feel that, no one really understands me. Or maybe it's just that i don't allow myself to be understood. I always close myself to others before they know too much. However, i do share some of what i go through to one person, and that is Huijia. Why? I myself don't get it either. It could be that i share a certain affinity with her? I really do not know. Although i do share some stuff with her, there are still certain things that i did not tell her. If possible, i would try not to trouble her with my problems as i know she has her own too. But sometimes, like this instance, it gets so hard to suppress everything down inside me. I have to let it out somehow. If i don't talk to anyone, i don't know what will happen. I have no other person i can turn to for help, so thanks Huijia for being there for me when no one else was. You've certainly helped me to live on at times.

Moving on to the present..

When i had reached home after booking out from the chalet yesterday, i was so beat and emotionally drained that i did not realised i had set my alarm to 4.30 a.m. instead of 4.30 p.m. . Needless to say, i woke up too late to attend the SCC activity. Even if i had set the correct time, i might not have gone anyway as i was still seriously lethargic. When i woke up again at about 8.00 p.m., i took my dinner which my brother had bought for me and played some songs. Ok i give.. i specifically chosen to play what people would normally deem as 'emo' songs. I guess, i just wanted to listen to something befitting the mood. Somehow, i couldn't get to sleep that night, even though it was already past 1 in the morning. I figure there must be swirls of thoughts flooding my mind, keeping me awake. Eventually, i did fall asleep, and dreamt.. dreamt of.. a dreamless dream..

How can i still hold on to my sanity..

"Even though you couldn't accept me, i hope that this will, in no way, affect our friendship whatsoever. We could pretend that nothing has happened and just move on with our lives. It would pain me if things would not be the same that it was due to my foolish desire.

Although.. this won't change the fact that, i have true feelings for you. Rest assured, i won't make any moves that will cause us to not be friends in any way. I'm happy enough that i got to meet someone like you, and will only be able to like you from a distance."

"Sincerely, i wish for you to meet your perfect Capricorn soon. Someone to care for you and ensures happiness for your life everyday."